Search them and find the beauty of the beast

I close my eyes and listen to the wind as it wails in its misery. Nobody told me there would be so much noise up here. To never stop screaming and to never be understood… what God could bless the air here with such a forever? The abyss in front of me calls to me again; I cannot resist looking down any longer. For a moment I feel like I am alone above this vastness, alone and unfettered. Like all I had to do was dream red, and the green in front of me would obey. For a moment I want to cut loose my tethers, unclench my hands from the bars, escape my own weight. All is far and all is small, except my will to fall. I imagine myself doing it. The sound of the last cord snapping, the touch of the last inch of ground under my feet, the exhilaration of the last expansion of my chest before I hit the ground. Spirals of air materialize around me, grab me, seduce me. You will fly, what else is there that matters?


Each new thump comes almost too late. Is my brain reeling too fast, or can my heart really beat so slowly? As the water pours more seconds above me, I wonder how I will know when to end it. Will there be enough force left to lift me at the last moment? Deafening, another bubble escapes from my nose. Behind closed lids, my eyes keep feeding me colored lies. A warm numbness starts spreading from my feet. How much longer? If I get to the moment that separates life from death, how will I know? Even the line between wakefulness and sleep eludes me each time I try to step on it without crossing over. Why are there limits if they can’t be reached? Why are there edges sharp enough to cut through feeling and bone, yet blunt enough to be visible? Sometimes it all feels like a sick joke, like somebody is having a really good laugh at us all. My entire body now throbs with its need for air, fighting the tentacles of the mind with the desperation of a hanged man kicking the void with his feet.
Five more seconds. One. Two. With a violent movement I heave my head above the water. Breathing quickly I curse myself for not being able to hold on to my word. This time the line was right there, closer than ever. As fresh life spreads to every cell of my body, electric light rushes to erase that image in front of my eyes. And the feelings fade, like the evanescent shapes of palms on cold glass.


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