Before I Die

January 5, 2008

This is the saddest book I have read in the past several years; in all my life, maybe. Other people keep saying that it has taught them to appreciate life, to live fully. I didn’t feel that. I only felt sad. Or maybe it didn’t sink in just yet.

Several years ago I have seen “Sweet November” and I thought the final decision was a worthwhile one. This novel made me doubt that. Hollywood is always trying to make things easy.

Their love seemed a bit unrealistic to me. But I think that in such a situation it was only fair for Tessa to “get it right” the first time. I can understand why she wanted to do drugs and break the law. After all, what did it matter? But I don’t see the line of thought behind the “instructions” she left for Adam.

“Look after no one except yourself. Go to University, and make lots of friends, and get drunk! Forget your door keys! Laugh! Eat Pot Noodles for breakfast. Miss lectures. Be irresponsible.”

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Summary of 2007 and Resolutions for the Year to Come

December 31, 2007

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A hyperbolic representation of what I have (had) and what I want (expect). In 2007 I didn’t feel like I lived at all. Only four times this year did I feel my heart throb out of control. And in three of those moments I was alone. Ludicrous.

All of this surfaced to my consciousness during the past week. First there was the book. Then there were other things, which I’m not ready to put into words yet.

I loathe the feeling of time lost. I don’t want another year like this. I am sick of guarding my feelings, of being “fine just fine” and of “playing it safe.” I want:

  • a lot of sunshine;
  • a lot of laughter;
  • to remember loneliness as a thing of the past;
  • not to count the number of times I felt alive;
  • to read and listen to at least as many books as I did this year;
  • plus the down-to-earth things: finish school; get into my dream college; get more involved with KDE; etc.

I already learned that resolutions are rarely being kept, and that their real purpose is to measure how much one’s aspirations change over the years. It is unfair of me to give such an anti-appraisal, because 2007 had its nice moments, but this is just how I feel right now.