Freak

I’m such a freak.

I thought you were happy.
I thought you had a girlfriend
and you had money
and that made you happy.
I was wrong.
I’m such a freak.

I thought you were happy
and I thought I envied you,
or perhaps I really did.
But not anymore.
I was blind.
I’m such a freak.

We went to a pub.
You drank.
I didn’t.
You said I was missing out.
Maybe you’re right.
I thought you were like me.
I’m such a freak.

Peer pressure.
Fuck it.
Fuck you all!
Hate me!
I hate you too.
I’m such a freak.

Every time I’m supposed to be happy,
I think of some part of my life which is not OK.
I thought,
I’m such a freak,
I don’t know how to be happy.
But you don’t know either.
Oh wait,
you do.
C2H5OH.
But that doesn’t work for me.
I’m such a freak.

The smoke stung my eyes
and I felt like I wanted to cry.
Because I wasn’t like you.
Because I never could be.
Because I felt more alone than ever.
I’m such a freak.

I don’t understand.
Show me an adult that’s happy.
Really happy,
not just a mask
like you.
Or me.
Is this the big lesson in life?
The final revelation?
“Congratulations, you’ve come to the end of the line.
There’s nothing for you to see here.
Now you die.”
Congratulate me,
I’m such a freak.

Right now I’m sitting on a chair.
My breath is shallow.
My butt hurts.
And sad music is in my ears.
And I’m writing this freakish poem.
Which is not even a poem
but some kind of hate speech
or a confession
or a cry for help.
I’m such a freak.

And maybe I’ll delete everything I wrote
or maybe I’ll throw my laptop out the window
or maybe I’ll throw myself.
Then maybe I’ll somehow stop being
such a freak.

Clint Mansell is a genius.
And I’m thinking of a drama.
Someone else’s drama.
And how easy it is to feel compassion.
And how hard it is to express it.
And what good does compassion do,
when everybody else just makes fun of you.
(Nineteen Minutes taught you nothing.)
I feel like tapping you on the shoulder
and saying
“Don’t worry —
they’re all idiots.”
But I can’t do it.
And maybe that’s not even true.
Like you,
I’m such a freak.

An idiot and his “social skills”
and his way to laugh loudly
go a longer way
than a freak with his compassion.
This world is so unfair
and it makes me want to cry.
I’m such a freak.

I didn’t know you smoked.
Is it wrong to hate you for doing it?
I feel like I’ve been lied to.
But I saw you
simulating pleasure
as you drew in smoke.
Then throwing your head back
and simulating pleasure again
as you opened your mouth wide
to let the smoke out.
Eyes narrowed.
A superior smirk on your face
as you tapped the thin cigar
(I always thought they were for women)
upon the ashtray.
It was so fake.
Aren’t you disgusted?
Are you all blind?
Or am I
such a freak?

I know.
I do that too.
I try to look cheerful on the outside
and normal
and composed,
when inside my guts are boiling.
That’s why I’m so afraid
of showing my real self,
because everyone will hate me then.
And I’ll be even more
of a freak.

That’s why if you meet my eyes
and I don’t know you
and I’m not somewhere familiar,
you’ll likely see anger on my face.
Because anger is easy to muster.
Because anger is better than fear.
No I cannot afford to show fear.
Or you’ll all know
that I’m such a freak.

That’s why I have S.A.D.
(or at least I think so)
in a mild form
and I never told anybody.
Because that would be
scientific proof
that I’m such a freak.

That’s why I jump if you touch my back.
That’s why I want to hide my face all the time.
That’s why I don’t have a cellphone
and I dread calling you up.
That’s why if you point at me
and laugh
I’ll probably swallow it
and get out as fast as I can
and feel bad all day
and listen to Katatonia.
Like a freak.

That’s why girls are a different species
and I don’t have a definition for “friend”
and like Joel in Eternal Sunshine,
I fall in love with every woman I see
who shows me the least bit of attention.
I’m only brave
when I am alone.
And books are my closest friends.
What a freak.

But I digress.
(Or maybe a digression
is the best way
to make you understand
this hate speech
or confession
or whatever,
and that’s why
I’m going to make this sentence
longer by three words:
one two three.)
This was about you,
and how you make me feel.
I don’t care if you read this.
In fact, I hope you do.
I’m not sure why.
I’m such a freak.

You drew the line some place else.
And I don’t blame you
as long as it makes you happy
(whatever that means).
In fact you almost convinced me
that you’re right and I’m wrong
like so many other times.
But I never learn,
because I’m such a freak.

I won’t do the accounting for you
because I’m sober.
Fuck you!
It feels good to tell people to fuck off,
it gives me power.
That’s where I’ve been missing out.
I never knew the power of the middle finger.
I never thought I could actually choose.
You freed me in a way.
I’m such a proud freak now.


Note #1: I’ve just had a conversation which made me unable to write this any further. But since this does reflect my thoughts at a certain moment in time, I want to publish it as is before I decide to delete it.

Note #2: If you feel that I’ve personally mentioned you in the text above, please understand that nobody except you knows that. So don’t feel threatened.

26 Responses to Freak

  1. Alex says:

    FYI, back a few centuries there was a “capital punishment” procedure called “defenestration” – it’s “death by throwing someone out of the window”.

    About the power of telling people to fuck off; you know, I discovered an interesting thing about myself: shouting helps, and swearing [in a foreign language] helps.

    As you know, I do quite a lot of cycling for some time, and I revealed a new threat to my integrity – dogs. These “perpetuum hungrius violentis” creatures don’t miss a chance to bark at a humble and friendly person such as myself (-: The damned beasts, they keep running after me and barking, for absolutely no reason. They have no idea about the “trusted by default” policy (if a stupid dog that doesn’t know it is dangerous, imagine the potential danger posed by an intelligent [relative to a dog] human who doesn’t apply this policy).

    Anyway, it sure as hell feels great to shout “fuck off!” (and keep pedaling), or “hey dog! come and get me now!” (when on the other side of a fence).

    Note: I did not test this one on humans (-:

  2. Constantin says:

    Why in a foreign language especially?
    I’ve noticed that it’s a LOT easier to say “please” / “thank you” in English, but I’m not sure why. It probably has something to do with how deep these words are wired into our brains.

  3. indexed says:

    Nu ca ai avea nevoie de el, sau ti l-ai dori , dar cred ca leacul la ceea ce ai scris mai sus, la intreaga reactie, este sa o faci din nou, sa iesi si sa te mai uiti inca odata la fețele care ti-au trezit iluzii.

    A arata cu degetul e usor, ascuns dupa un ecran. E usor sa pui o parte de vina direct pe tine ca sa ajungi la scop.

    Leacul poate e otrava in opinia ta, insa tu nu faci decit sa-ti ingustezi perspectiva la viata eliminind partile “periferiale”. Sa-ti faci opinie despre oameni si lucruri din carti e putin.
    A fost o experienta cu un impact mare, nu? Ai avut asa sentimente de la niste cuvinte pe pagini?

    As dori sa mai am aceste trairi virgine, ai un extraordinar potential de a trai. Nu vrei sa o faci?

    *…(Nineteen Minutes) – dar pe tine?

    {as dori sa aflu raspunsul la aceste intrebari, poate totusi gasesc eu o explicatie, poate eu sunt cel a carui ochi trebuiesc deschisi }

  4. Alex says:

    Because “swearing in another language is not swearing”.

  5. Ice Tea says:

    Ai relevat multe momente pe care l-am experimentat si eu. Bravo !!!
    La partea cu fetele am rezerve. Aici eu sunt pe alta pozitie, da’ fiindca sunt propriile tale explozii de sentimente…………
    Windows is good, better than linux, but , but, but,………. CHEMISTRY IS THE BEST
    ******************HAO*************************************

  6. Constantin says:

    indexed,

    Ai avut asa sentimente de la niste cuvinte pe pagini?

    Nu. Guilty as charged.

    (Nineteen Minutes) – dar pe tine?

    M-a convins ca doare foarte mult cand cineva rade / isi bate joc de tine. De aceea nu o fac decat cand vreau sa ranesc (iar daca se face intre prieteni, oricum exista un sentiment de vinovatie). Or maybe I’m just too sensitive. M-a convins ca toti (si eu) radem de altii ca sa nu rada altii de noi. Some bloody law of the jungle.
    If I can make the world a better place by a tiny bit, by not laughing at someone, I’ll do that.

    ai un extraordinar potential de a trai. Nu vrei sa o faci?

    Stiu ca nu pot sta behind a shelter forever. Dar daca a trai include a bea / a fuma / a-i face pe altii sa se simta prost, atunci chiar ca I’ve gotta look for a better way.

    Nu stiu daca ti-am raspuns la intrebari… dar ma bucur ca esti dispus spre discutie.

    Ice Tea,
    Ar fi mult mai interesant daca ti-ai dezvalui “pozitia” in loc sa spui doar ca e diferita.

  7. indexed says:

    Constantin,
    Nu e ideea in a bea sau ride de cineva, eu nu cred ca cineva te-a ofensat la acea masa, dimpotriva, personal aveam o pozitie deloc negativa faptului ca tu nu ai baut.
    Doar ca tot acest “poem” este un mod de rade, de a prezenta superioritate, sa stii ca ai esuat abordind acest stil. E prea violent. Cred ca anume violenta este punctul care face aceste cuvinte neputincioase si mai mult se rasfringe pe tine.

    Credeam ca esti acel om individualist, si cind vad expresia “sa fac lumea un loc mai bun” e ceva in neregula, ceva ce nu tine de tine. Am impresia ca e doar o modalitate foarte frumoasa de a raspunde la intrebare.

    Stii foarte bine ca o lume buna e buna pentru majoritate, si tot stii bine ca majoritatea este tocmai acea parte de societate pe care o urasti. Tot vrei ca lumea sa fie un loc mai “bun” ?

    Apropo, sa stii ca eu chiar sunt un om fericit. Nu e o stare care se determina in raport de cum ma simt acum, la un anumit timp, sau cum ma simt ca o valoare medie pe zi, dar ca stiu sigur ca nu voi avea momente in care sa ma ridic si sa trag cite un glont in spatele fiecaruia din cauza ca ei sunt altfel.

    Cred ca ai ratat un detaliu in “Nineteen Minutes”, Peter a gresit, motivat sau nemotivat. La fel cum si tu ai gresit acuzind o lume intreaga, pentru a nu fi ceea ce “crezi” ca e.

    Sper ca macar si-a indeplinit scopul de a te descarca. Insa ai simtit astazi cum e sa privesti in ochi un om caruia i-ai spus asemenea lucruri. Lumea nu e mai buna, nu?

  8. Constantin says:

    1) Cand am zis de ras de cineva nu m-am referit la mine. Nu stiu daca ai fost in pozitia de “class clown” dar credeam ca Nineteen Minutes o sa-ti arate cat de dureros este. Iarasi, eu nu vorbesc de mine aicea.

    2) Superioritate? Nu vezi ca mai mult mi-e scarba de ce sunt eu decat de orice altceva? Read the title dammit. Neputinta si frustrare -> that’s exactly my point. Daca crezi ca “I’m such a freak” e spus ironic, think again. Numai ultima strofa e ironica si acuma imi dau seama ca strica total mesajul.

    3) Exact. Am gresit in interpretarea lumii si am redat exact ce-am simtit cand mi s-a “rasturnat” interpretarea. Tu chiar crezi ca am scris “idiot” gandindu-ma la tine? Stii foarte bine ca te admir, adu-ti aminte ce ti-am spus azi dimineata.

    4) Este o diferenta intre a spune “fuck you all” si a trage cu pistolul in cineva. Nu cred ca n-ai avut momente din astea.

    5) Stiu ca e stupid sa invidiezi oameni [pe care ii consideri mai] fericiti, si stiu ca toata lumea o face. Mai stiu si ca aceste sentimente trebuiesc tinute ascunse, ceea ce eu am esuat sa fac.

  9. Evjen says:

    Mates, take it easy. 3 ani am invatat impreuna, si acuma sa ne prapadim? (C) Devine cam hell-hot in here. Propun sa punem ceva jazz(cine n-are ceva la fel de “optimizant”) si sa traim minciuna asta frumoasa-don’t digress from the Lord’s path(it’s the lubrication, the absence of it hurts). Ce da meditatia asupra ei? ceva schimba?
    Costik, nu exista carte cu scrieri despre modul de a deveni fericit.. pentru fiecare e aparte enzimul sau. Ma rog, unele seamanamai mult sau mai putin. Asta insa nu inseamna ca evadezi de ceea ce socoti(cel mai probabil gresit) fericirea falsa a majoritatii criticind-o. Id est: Cit de falsa nu mi-ar parea fericirea GOPilor, care in majoritatea cazurilor consta intr-un automobil, fata, bani, sunt aproape sigur ca sunt mai fericiti decit eu, urind fericirea lor. De ce? ca nu le pasa ca eu am alta fericire. o alta propunere? uitam de nivelul de fericire a fiecarui si traim minciuna. Indulceste-ti existenta- life is too short to try fighting against it.
    All of the above may sound weird, chitanik(Sergiu no offense) or even stupid.. still, hope it brang one more shine in your shiny inner world. (heh, sounds like bender’s best phrase)

  10. Constantin says:

    You just put a smile on my face :)
    Si ai dat dovada ca gandesti mult mai matur decat mine si probabil esti imun “acceselor de furie”.

    Sunt de acord ca o minciuna dulce e mai buna decat un adevar care nu ajuta niciodata pe nimeni. “Live by the harmless foma that makes you healthy and happy.”

    Imi dau seama ca v-am atacat intr-un moment de enervare si ca eu vad in ce am scris mai sus unele lucruri pe care voi nu le puteti vedea (you can’t read my mind). Imi dau seama si ca citind-o v-ati gandit ca eu va atac pe fiecare in parte, cand de fapt aproape fiecare “strofa” e scrisa cu mintea la altcineva. Poate observati diferenta de atitudine intre strofa a 12-a si penultima?

    Am vrut mai mult sa ma critic pe mine decat pe voi. Incercati sa vedeti in spatele cuvintelor “fuck you” uratenia persoanei care le spune.

    In fine, ce se intampla cand un copil mic trece intr-o casa noua? Incepe sa planga. De ce? Fiindca este coplesit de obiectele si senzatiile noi care il bombardeaza din toate partile. Creierul are o limita pentru cantitatea de informatie pe care o poate procesa intr-un interval de timp. Poate ca asta mi s-a intamplat si mie.

    Persoanele care merita scuze le vor primi.

  11. indexed says:

    Evjen, :) that’s so true. Jos căpca.

  12. freemind says:

    Am fost acolo, so I should say smth too :)

    Opinia / reactia / your way of being nu te face in niciun caz freak. Dara ar fi asa, toti am fi freaks in felul nostru. Ce-a fost acolo a fost de fapt un test de toleranta :) Iar in general, opinii despre viata, etc, nu pot fi comparate.

    Ca un comentariu despre social skills – daca asemenea social skills le consideri ugly there’s no need to want them :=) Daca vrei sa ai asa social skills you just have to take parte in such stuff several times and not fear to get (moderately) involved into it. Experience can only be gained by trials :).

    Nu cred ca tre sa iti ceri scuze nimanui… e chiar bine ca ai fost sincer :) nu toti pot face asta!

    Si one last thing – eu cred ca odata si odata vei participa la another party, be it someone’s (yours) birthday, wedding, etc. Daca vrei sa poti te simti bine in asa cazuri, mai bine de ‘tinar’ sa te implici (moderately and occasionally). Aici esti home, among people who know you si care te respecta :).
    Iar daca chiar nu ai ca scop sa te simti bine, atunci pur si simplu ar trebui sa ignori parties and not bother to feel like that :)

  13. Constantin says:

    Toti *chiar* suntem freaks in felul nostru, eu cred.

    Poate ca tu esti un campion al tolerantei, nu stiu. Din comentariul tau vad ca poti trata ambele optiuni obiectiv. Eu n-am invatat inca sa fac asta.

    M-am convins demult ca n-are rost sa fac promisiuni “forever”, asa ca nu mai spun nimic. Apreciez faptul ca ai comentat.

  14. :.shkan says:

    Hell, I am blind, I even typed the first 2 letters in the Braille system.Damn, I didn’t know I was such a fake, low life person until u opened my eyes.Nice blog, nice poem, nice dagger in my back.
    You consider sufferance better than happiness? Want to suffer for a great cause? Want to be the Lord’s Lamb that was morally slaughtered by a bunch of “MORONS”? Hell no, I’ll spare your innocent fleece so you can become a Sheep.
    I wanted…I would…but I won’t.

    PS ‘Passing bird’ Katatonia(u know we both like this band)
    She’s got black hair
    And she has got a black dress
    She’s pretending
    That her life is a mess

    She would never think of changing
    Too much fucking emo, it’s false I know

  15. Constantin says:

    OK. Now you know just how big an asshole I can be sometimes.

  16. :.shkan says:

    It was nice chatting with u,I remembered things I considered dead, but they were buried alive. Thank you

  17. Evjen says:

    Dangerous Costa’s Brainwashing ‘s working good=))) kiddin. glad equilibrium’s back. Bravo!!! (C)

  18. Constantin says:

    Actually, the brainwashing worked both ways.

    Acuma imi dau seama cat de gresit a fost sa-i judec pe oameni, fiindca poti sti foarte putin despre background si motive. *That’s* what I’ve failed to learn from Nineteen Minutes.

    Insasi faptul ca acele persoane nu mi-au raspuns cu aceeasi moneda ci au avut rabdarea sa discute si sa inteleaga ce am de spus – demonstreaza ca veninul pe care l-am varsat a fost o tampenie.

  19. Evjen says:

    yeap.. kinda boring.. i’ve been waiting for more action… yyyeapp.. i was expecting to see a matrix movie or a kind of happy tree friends here, and what i saw was a brazilian series with a happy end(and btw, a short one). Ok, ok, it’s just me kidding stupidly, BUT, i still believe that the belligerent part had a point =)) Soo.. Peace, guys, peace.. it’s still 1:1 or 0:0, whatever.. no1:0 or 0:1. So, by rationalization and the factorization of the encapsulated capsules, that are but are not, Why? Because, because there is no difference if we factoralize or rationalize by retortation and. (C)

    P.S. You’ve got SPAM!=)

  20. Victor says:

    OK, so i read The thing… am i supposed to comment something? :) People always feel like they have to share, give a piece of their mind on smth … so i will skip the “being different” part and try to be laconic.
    This state of mind occurred to me also, in fact it occurred to all of us at some point. I’ve found out that there are 2 ways out of it ; either creating a special world just for you, live in it like a freak , allow may be to some people to enter it occasionally ,and then throw them out of it just because of some little criteria didn’t quite dovetailed with your chimera… mmm…what else?…oh… the possibility of becoming a genius exists (which is a plus if you look at it the way i tend to look) , or, being as selfish, mean and sly as the other people are , but… (and this is a big BUTTT, like Jenifer Lopez’s) … doing the thing you love, like no one else did it before , become powerful, and kick ass badly.

    Clint Mansell … bun compozitor … dar wtf does he know about your life?!
    Jim Carrey… bun actor … dar, again, wtf do you link your life with his “carracter” ‘s one (Joel) ?
    I know, i know … people tend to search similar things everywhere … music,movies,newspaper etc.

    Dar totusi , FUCK IT!! … your life is the one that matters!

    Vad ca incetul cu incetul trec la romina :) , nici nu stiu de ce am ales engleza ca default language in acest comentariu.

    Astea sunt unele frinturi din concluziile mele facute in urma a multor ginduri, reflectari, cintece, filme … scriu un fel de carte despre asta, dar imi aduc contributia in ea ocazional , si doar dupa citeva sticle de bere si muzica a la Massive Attack sau Radiohead… cind va fi gata? … no idea… poate in toamna, poate in vara cealalta, poate in 20 de ani… still, people,

    Take the best! And FUCK the rest !

    P.S.: Daca cineva vrea sa comenteze, Costea inclusiv , go to http://vbuza.blogspot.com/ (pentru ca e natural ca eu sa vizitez blogul meu mai des decit a lui Costea) unde eu o sa am un post cu commentul de mai sus, si aduceti-va contributia.

  21. Victor says:

    Wahaha …. acum am vazut cit am scris… si asta eu , cel care vroia laconic sa fie … i guess it didn’t work out this time. :)

  22. Constantin says:

    FWIW, despre personaje din carti/filme etc., cred ca e mai bine sa ne lasam inspirati de ele decat sa facem totul “in our own way” (being a rebel for the sake of being a rebel)

  23. Victor says:

    Glad you answered Costea :)
    Ironie zici:)… nu cred ca asta am vrut
    Publicitate… lasa-i pe oameni sa se vada ei insasi acolo, i-ar ajuta cred eu
    Greseala… don’t! chestiile astea eu stiu cind se scriu, cum am mai zis, dupa citeva sticle de bere, muzica Clint Mansell , si un eveniment mai neplacut. si a 2-a zi iti pare rau de ce ai scris si iti pare ca nu esti tu cel care a scris asta, dar e o profilactica buna, and for the future reference, a good think to laugh at , after 10 years :)

    “Constantin Says:
    25th of May, 2008 at 19:34

    FWIW, despre personaje din carti/filme etc., cred ca e mai bine sa ne lasam inspirati de ele decat sa facem totul “in our own way” (being a rebel for the sake of being a rebel) ”

    Poate ai dreptate, eu nu am zis ca my way is the right one

  24. Victor says:

    Btw, eu pot sterge postul de la mine , if you feel not good about it, e dreptul tau totusi :)

  25. Constantin says:

    Eu nu cred ca internetul este mai volatil ca hartia in cazul asta. In fond nu mai conteaza.

  26. VERY GOOD says:

    salut.voi incerca shi eu sa comentez acest ‘poem’.insa voi lua a different approach la ceea ce vad.Shi anume:la majoritatea publicatiilor de pina acum nu prea sunt comentarii..la acesta timp de 10-12 zile s-au acumulat tocmai 25(cu al meu 26 :) ).
    adica sa dovedit a fi destul de rasunator shi ‘touching’ daca atitia au reactionat.
    Mai pe scurt:
    A nice PR!
    Adica eu nu shtiu daca a fost intentionat sau nu.O simpla constatare a factelor.
    Don’t blame me for my Fowler-ism. :) (that is my PR already) :)

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