by Megan McCafferty.
A note on the style of writing… convoluted, antithetic, yet hilarious. Here’s a typical sentence:
“Thus, the of-the-moment, faux-antifashion fashion statement was to go out looking like you really didn’t care what you looked like when you went out.”
Without further ado:
- I’d walk all over the neighborhood, but no matter where I went, I always had this left-out feeling, like there was something better going on very nearby, if only I knew about it.
- This is what thirty-two years of marriage gets you: the utter satisfaction of predicting precisely how your life mate will annoy the hell out of you.
- The truly fascinating thing about New Yorkers, or, I suppose, humans in general, is that we assume that we are far more interesting than we really are.
- I know it sounds depressing, but it’s actually pretty damn funny, too. Like life.
- Partying in general exhausts me. But I’ve come to the conclusion that partying at college exhausts me, like, existentially even more than parties in high school. High school parties exhausted me because I always felt like I was the only thinking person in a room mostly full of morons obliterating precious IQ points with every gulp of whatever booze they managed to steal out of their parents’ liquor cabinets. College parties are exhausting in a diametrically opposite way. They are full of smart, funny people who are all used to being the smartest, funniest person in the room, so they spend the whole party talking over one another, overlapping and overtaking the conversation to prove that they are the smartest, funniest person in the room, if not the entire planet.
- Studies have proven that an active social life boosts the immune system.
- But democracy is alive and well, as long as there’s an open bar.
- Aw, shit. Homeboy’s dead but the facebook lives on.
- That’s exactly why I want to be cremated. [...] I don’t want a funeral, and I definitely don’t want to be buried in a cemetery because I don’t want anyone feeling guilty about not visiting my grave.
- That’s what all love comes down to, doesn’t it? We help others only as much as they let us.
- Love may have the longest arms, but it can still fall short of an embrace.
- Then again, how much do we ever know about anyone? Why should our parents be any exception?
- Research has proven that the more you try not to think about a particular person, the more likely that person will show up in your dreams.
- Humans find meaningfulness where none exists because we want to create a sense of order in this chaotic universe. It’s called apophenia.
- I’m fascinated by group iPoding. It’s social, yet solipsistic at the same time.
- The gift of hereditary meritocracy practically guarantees that whether they excel in life has less to do with what they do than what life they were born into.
- All I’m saying is that you can’t hide from certain death, so you shouldn’t hide from uncertain life.
- Sex. Is there anything that starts out more miraculous then turns so mundane? Before you do it, sex is this mysterious thing that’s just out there… waiting. You know you’re going to do it someday. But when? And with who? And what will it feel like? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. And then you do it and those questions are answered and even if it’s good, even if it’s really, really good, you discover that maybe all the time and energy you spent obsessing about your virginity might have been better spent contemplating something else. Like low-emissions fuel sources.
- There are no guarantees of success in this world, not even for those whose lives are as charmed as yours. So have fun now! Do it! Put down the books! Have sex! Drink too much beer! Do something stupid while you’re still young enough to chalk it up to blissful ignorance!
- And we’re all guilty. We convince ourselves that these choices declare WHO WE ARE to the world, and we hope that others — or just one person — will see these on-the-surface signs and somehow, suddenly understand WHO WE ARE down to the depths of our souls. But the cruel reality is that these choices serve a different purpose altogether. They act as cheery distractions from the only tragic Truth-with-a-capital-T that matters:
We all die alone.
- Why is it that the most fundamental life lesson — LIVE! — is the one I continually forget to put into practice?
- The only way to truly appreciate something’s value is to distance yourself from it for a while.
- But what is love but the most extreme and exquisite form of risk perception?
- All promises are true only until they aren’t. [...]